How to Get a Man

I last blogged on advice for reluctant bachelors looking to settle down, based on some epiphanies I have had around sex roles in society. Before I continue with my advice for the ladies, let me start by saying you do NOT need a man. If you want one, that's great, but you absolutely do not need one. This is the single most important thing for you to remember about finding a man: it is not possible for one person to give another person "complete happiness." That is hyperbole we use in romantic music in our culture, it is not literally true. Never burden a man with the responsibility of your happiness for two reasons:

1. Notice the three year old daughter making demands on her father: with in reasonable limitations he can improve her comfort and give her attention, but taken to an extreme she will wreck his ability to be happy when she is around, no matter how much he cares for her. As a female in a relationship with a male, you are constantly running the risk of crushing who he is, who he wants to be, his ability to care for himself, and thus his ability to care for you.
2. The three year old daughter can not be content until she decides to be content. Yes she certainly needs a certain amount of physical and emotional support from her father to be content, but if that is her only source of contentment she can not ever be content. If you depend on a relationship with a man to be your main source of happiness, you cannot be happy over a long period of time.

To understand why this is important for you getting a man, we now should look at my big epiphany that was the core of my last blog post: 

In order for a man to impregnate a woman under normal circumstances, he MUST be attracted to her. A woman does NOT have to be attracted to a man to be impregnated by him. This means that a man has to initiate the first steps in the relationship, because only he knows who he is and is not attracted to. A woman then has to choose her best option from her list of suitors.

This is absolutely a generalization and very far from universally true. But ultimately if you go looking for a man, to succeed you must get a man you are after to become one of your suitors, or else biologically speaking, things aren't going to work out. There are then three ways to manage your list of suitors: 1) being efficient with your list of suitors, 2) going hunting for new suitors, and 3) attracting more suitors.

By being efficient with your suitor list, I mean taking a good look at the guys who you are already rejecting. Chances are your 'best friend who you just aren't that attracted to' has being hanging out with hotter females than you, and his interest in you is based on being realistic about what kind of life he wants to have. Your are physically attractive enough for him, and a cool enough person for him to spend his life with.

But you just find so many other more bad boy or more mysterious men more attractive. Think about how self-destructive that impulse is. Is it really wise to mate with a 'man of mystery?' What secrets does he hide that could negatively effect your long term happiness and the happiness of those you are responsible for? If you are so messed up that you can only get into 'bad boys,' do yourself and society a favor and get counseling to get cured of your thug love, because that is going to end very badly and have dire consequences for someone. Some men are wise enough to never date a woman who has ever dated thugs in her past - that laps of judgement shows a real disregard for the well being of anyone involved.

When it comes to hunting for suitors, do note that because of the epiphany stated above, this is the most difficult way to go about getting a man, the least efficient and most expensive in terms of your personal social capital and emotional resources. Should you go down this road, my suggestion is to follow three steps:

1. First befriend the guy you are interested in. Make very sure he is no longer 'mysterious' to you, and see if he passes the test of being someone who you enjoy to spending time with.
2. Drop a hint, but don't be subtle. You can't communicate with most men your feelings with body language and vocal tone. Don't give him an ultimatum either: that will warn his subconscious that you disregard his own personal agency and personhood, and kill his ability to be attracted to you. Approach it in casual conversation, something like "We are good friends. Have you ever wondered if we would make a good couple?" Get a conversation going - not necessary a serious-tone conversation - about the pros and cons of you being a couple. The hint you want to drop here is AFTER this conversation, say "Yes, it's a good idea. I think we should be a couple." This lets him have room to disagree, think about it, maybe change his mind, or maybe just agree outright.
3. Mother him. Guys are attracted to their moms. If you are able to do any cooking, cleaning or laundry for him, he will instantly start seeing you in more erotic terms, he can't help it. Get on his case about saving more money, or nag him about getting out to the gym. Demonstrate to his subconscious that you are going to cultivate his well being, not be a drain on it.

When it comes to attracting new suitors, physically speaking, contrary to the vast amount of marketing being directed at you personally, men are not attracted to your clothes, your make up, your perfume, your hair conditioner, your facials, your manicures, or any other products being sold to you. If you want to improve how physically attractive you are to men, exercise. I do not mean take your dog down to the park to relieve himself. Get into something serious that you enjoy, and make it a permanent non-negotiable part of your lifestyle, and make it something just as challenging as you can handle, such as some combination of: running, lifting weights, martial arts, Soccer, yoga etc. It should be something demanding enough that you find yourself doing extra physical conditioning outside of that activity so that you can get better at that activity. On a 1 to 10 scale, this is going to pump up your hotness by 3 points or so, guaranteed, over the course of the first year, and even more as time goes on.

The reason why women think men are attracted to skinny women is because the models used to sell women products are skinny. The reason why models are skinny is so that their bodies do not distract attention from the product. Men aren't physically attracted to the product, they are physically attracted to your body. Men are attracted to physically powerful women, we like curves that indicate health and prowess, almost regardless of weight and height.

But exercise demonstrates to a man something even more sexy: you realize that your happiness depends first and foremost on how YOU take care of yourself. Believe me when I say men are far more attracted to a normal body-mass-index woman going out for a morning jog, than we are to a anorexic girl showing off her new breast implants and fake tan on the beach. 

Work on your personality and your finances. Be the person who you want to be. Think about how you treat others and ask yourself if you are good with the person in the mirror. Act in such a way that you are happy to look at yourself in the eye in the mirror.

Don't try to buy happiness. No man wants a relationship with a delusional uneducated wreck, but no man wants to settle down with crushing student loan debt either: have an education, but make it as affordable as possible. You can only get happiness through doing what you think is the right thing to do, and by appreciating what you already have, even though you could always use more. That secret to happiness is also the secret to getting a man.