Do not ever burden another person with your happiness. All the love songs you have ever heard were lies. No one can complete you, make you content, or be everything to you. You only had a mommy once, and that relationship started falling apart on day one, and no one is ever going to be that for you again. If you try to make a lover be that, then you are being a big baby.
The formula for happiness is to take the freedom in your life you need (Slack,) and to appreciate what you have even though you need more (gratitude.) Take some responsibility for your own happiness and pursue Slack and gratitude with vigor.
Gratitude is the ultimate virtue. Most of the do-nots from the 10 commandments, 7 deadly sins, and Buddhism (think "attachment") are the opposite of Gratitude. Though we are dependent on perishable goods (food which rots, clothes that wear out, and technology that becomes outdated,) and thus will ALWAYS need more, contentment will be far more easily gained if we take the time to appreciate that which we already have.
Consider the Don Draper character of the TV show Mad Men. He manages to ruin marriage after marriage by cheating on his various wives with women who are not even as attractive as the ones he's already married to (and in addition wrecks his ideal life style were he could live with his children.) Because he fails to appreciate what is right there in front of him, he seeks more than he should and destroys that which he has, which was already better than what he sought. This is an excellent example of a failure to appreciate; less gratitude, less happiness.
Slack is an obscure term, but something which I define specifically: the time you have to do the things you want to do. This is something life will take from you completely if you do not protect it. I am an activist when it comes to Slack, as I have a mandate with my day job employer that my maximum amount of time I can work as a regularly scheduled work week is 24 hours. I feel guilty about this because it really should only be 21 hours:
You only live once. There are things that you can only do while you are young, and it is a lot more of the things you want to do than you realize. Live life like it matters, enjoy it while you actually can. Don't wait until hospice to spend time with your loved ones. As Orbital once quoted Satan as saying "The thing about regret is: it is better to regret something you HAVE done, than to regret something you HAVE NOT done."
Slack gives you time for Gratitude, and Gratitude helps you prioritize Slack, in a positive feedback loop. However they are also safety checks for each other:
Gratitude is a safetly belt for Slack in that if Slack goes too far family and personal freedom from prison can be compromised - gratitude helps you prioritize how your Slack is used.
Slack is a safety belt for gratitude in that it prevents you from thinking "Oh, everything is just fine in my life, if I just keep working for retirement I'll be able to do everything I want to do when I finally get on SSI at age 70."
Of course you would have to exercise extreme frugality to get more Slack than you have now. That kind of frugality can only be exercised with high levels of gratitude. Maybe what you want to do is spend all day plumping up in a cubical, and if so good for you, life will be very rewarding for you.
Phil Gribbin died today at age 42, some time in the AM. When a friend stopped by to go work out at the local YMCA, he found Phil had a fatal heart attack. This was not entirely unexpected as he had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure a few years ago.
He was the loyalest friend I have ever heard of. He loved Heavy Metal, good food, and the company of good people. He died a virgin, a status he considered an accomplishment. I have three things to share that his friends would want to know about:
Spooky stuff about his death.
Thanks to specific people who made his last year of life enjoyable.
His life's work and legacy.
Spooky
Last night after a Tres Espadas meeting, out of the blue Phil asked me very directly "what is it all for?" I told him about my personal martial arts goals. He said "don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal. But I live for training, for Tres Espadas, and out of pure tenacity to spite those who don't appreciate me being alive." Though he had been able to spar in 2015, he hadn't been able to spar much in 2016 because of health reasons. And he said that just last night, and he doesn't normally talk like that.
Last night he had requested me to provide Root-beer Floats for desert, but I didn't have time to go out and get the ingredients. This is not something we have often. I just coincidentally happened to have the ingredients on hand in the house at the time. He had no way of knowing that I had those ingredients, because I had purchased them the day before without his knowledge. I meant to mention to him last night how strange it was I just happened to have the Root beer and Ice Cream at the time he had requested it (he assumed I had found a way to go the store to buy it,) but I never did get around to telling him. This is a bizarre coincidence considering the fact this would be his last meal with friends.
Phil trained my kids in weapon sparring. Today, several hours before we had heard Phil had passed away (and possibly very soon after he passed away,) my 5 year old said: "I don't like Earth. Sooner or later, you have to die. Earth is mean!" He went on like that for a few minutes, out of the blue, for no apparent reason. Then tonight I found out Phil died at around the time my 5 yr old started complaining about the brutality of the world and the final nature of death. Again, the 5 year old never talks like that.
Thanks
If you are reading this you probably know Phil had a hard life with many disappointments and struggles. However he stated on numerous occasions that since he had returned from Atlanta a year or two ago, he had been having the best time of his life. As he had been one of my best friends for decades, I can testify to that. This was very much due to very specific people taking time and other resources to help him improve his life:
Dave Welch found him today, and was his fitness partner at the YMCA.
Other Welches allowed him to stay on their property, preventing him from becoming homeless.
Greg Mapes helped Phil get a bus, so that Phil could start converting it to an RV (as living in an RV was one of Phil's life goals.) Greg also helped Phil in many other ways that were very meaningful to Phil.
Bear Star was someone Phil looked up to for advice on how to live life, and had helped him on his bus project.
His star pupils who took an interest in Tres Espadas, Haran, Randall & Daniel, gave Phil hope for the future. He mentioned you guys last night as reasons why he was still alive.
It means a lot to me that Phil's life ended happily, and thank you very much to all who helped make that happen.
Legacy
After a lifetime of exposure to martial arts, Phil, I and a few others founded a full contact weapon sparring club called Tres Espadas. Phil was the driving force behind it, as it was his original idea and he put more into it than anyone else. Phil was a huge Dog Brothers fan. We helped promote the first Annual North West Warrior Tipon Tipon, and we even spectated at the second one:
Phil told us many times that he considered Tres Espadas to be his legacy. What he was trying to do was promote full contact weapon martial arts, which would spar continuously without frequent stopping. When Tres Espadas first started forming it wasn't even clear how that would be possible with the safety equipment available at the time. However he constantly researched better equipment and teaching methods to develop what we call Tres Espadas today:
Even after he had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure, last year he was still able to hold his own against more fit opponents. This is how he would want to be remembered:
Updates
Update #1 - Here is his official obituary out of a local paper:
Update #2 - here is the video of the first Tres Espadas free sparring after Phil's passing. They continue to have meetings at 4:30 PM on Wednesdays in Bremerton:
Update #3 - On Phil's Facebook Memorial page, a childhood church friend of Phil inquired about what was said at the funeral, to which I replied:
...I did a more elaborate version of my blog post. Before me Mike Gribbin
spoke on stories about how Phil had sacrificed for others. After me Mike
Anderson spoke about you guys getting kicked out of Scout Camp from Phil
throwing knives, you guys getting in fights in Sunday school and being
told you'll never go on Missions (lulz he's stake president now.) He
also did the requisite preaching on the plan of Salvation that is
required for all LDS funerals. Mike used doctrine to explain common LDS
beliefs about how the dead interact with the living.
Here is the outside (top) and inside (bottom) of the program from Phil's memorial:
Here is a picture from Ty Mangum (childhood church friend, probably the one in front center with white t-shirt) that shows Phil (far right with glasses) and Mike Anderson in a blue coat in the middle. Also of note is closest to Phil is recently deceased Brian Ellermeier:
Update # 4 - this photo showed up on the day of Phil's Memorial from David Waters. It's Phil doing Kung Fu within five years of 1999, around the time Phil was the sparring partner for Margaret:
This is the last Picture with Phil and David waters in it, in the early years of Tres Espadas. The five men in this picture were close friends in High School:
